Teleprompter Records | Ferdinand Foster
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March 4th, 2022

Taken from the teleprompter records of Ferdinand Foster’s nightly primetime cable news broadcast ‘Facts with Ferdinand’

What’s with this Vampire Fern?

It seems a though the nation has a new thing to talk about. That’s right a plant is gone and the Internet has new a new thing to Tweet about. Okay, to pull back a bit, if you haven’t heard. There is a plant that you can’t take a photo of, and it’s gone. In some ways, this is a deeper blow to Internet users than climate change.

Something like a heart has been ripped out of teens across the nation. The plant they could never see on their social media feeds to begin with - has been stolen, ripped away from its home in Arcata, California, a small college town on the Pacific Coast. It exists, they say, this plant. But for reasons scientists can’t explain, it doesn’t show up in photos or videos. This is where it got its name, the Indigo Purple Vampire Fern. Vampire, yes as in Vampires who can’t see their own reflection. It’s very clever, and supposedly very real.

But are you telling me I’m supposed to believe in such a thing? It all sounds ridiculous if you ask me. We have more important things to be talking about people. And here I am giving lip service to something I could care less about. But that’s my job. I just report what’s happening. And it seems to me that there’s a whole lot of people out there that believe in this thing that can’t be seen.

I’m not convinced. It doesn’t matter that the state of California was working on declaring it a state landmark prior to it “being stolen.” But I wouldn’t put it passed a bunch of liberal-minded idiots. What’s next? Declaring Santa Claus the next governor of the great Golden State? 

It sounds like a hoax to me, meant to distract from what’s really happening in the world. Sure, go ahead, waste your time looking for something that can’t be seen and see where it gets you. We’re facing an economic crisis with this bogus administration and the youth are all up in their panties about a vampire plant. See what happens in five years when you’re in the workforce and can’t get a job to save your life. 

Vampire Fern. What a load of nonsense.

Up next – killer whales, remember those? We do.

Stay tuned after the break. 

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Follow the Legend of the Vampire Fern and follow me on Twitter @anthjgibson.

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