Moe Osbourne: Hand me that.
Charles Alvarez: It’s the same thing really, better actually.
MO: I know (pouring sound into a cup), tunnels though? I don’t like things that hang over my head.
MO: Yeah dude. Even when I walk under bridges I put a hand over my head.
CA: (Laughs) I don’t think that’s going to save you.
MO: Oh I know. And I try to get away with it too. I act like I’m scratching my head–
MO: –and just think the whole time how I really hope this fucking bridge doesn’t come crumbling down.
CA: I hope none of my bridges.
MO: Oh, well of course not. (laughs)
CA: (Laughs) I’m sorry. That must be tough.
MO: It’s okay, I’m a pussy, you can say it. I’m sure your shareholders would love to hear you say it.
MO: Oh yeah, there you go. He said it.
CA: (Laughs) I do think though that tunnels are the solution.
MO: Right well it’s a fucking nightmare here. The traffic is monstrous.
CA: We project cutting commutes by 99%.
MO: This has started already?
CA: We’re about a mile underground, and growing.
MO: I bet if you keep digging you'll find this fern everyone is talking about. You hear about this thing?
CA: (Laughs) The Vampire Fern? Yes.
MO: Want more?
MO: Here (pouring sound into a cup). Yeah man, I’m a believer. Full on. A bunch of people now are saying this thing doesn’t exist. It’s all made up.
CA: Sure. Well, it’s an extraordinary concept.
MO: I’m all in. This thing is totally real.
CA: Scientifically speaking, it doesn’t add up.
MO: Well yeah, fuck science man (laughs), no offense.
CA: (Laughs) You know if it is real, it completely upends our concept of biology, also physics and pretty much everything.
MO: It’s some woowoo stuff man. It’d be like if all of a sudden no one could take a picture of you.
CA: Doesn’t sound that bad actually.
CA: Maybe it has to do with our cameras and technology more than anything else.
MO: Oh boy.
MO: Don't tell me you're working on something man.
MO: You working on anything? You make companies in your sleep.
CA: Sleeping is incredibly inefficient.
MO: Fuck you man (laughs).
MO: Really, though – are you working on anything? This thing has to have that brain of yours firing on all cylinders.
CA: I’m not at liberty to discuss potential ventures.
MO: Shut the hell up.
MO: Okay, so let’s say that our tech just doesn't cut it. That maybe there's a way to actually see this thing in pictures. What does that mean?
CA: It means the Vampire Fern is exploiting a flaw in our cyberbiom. Well, in how we currently understand it.
CA: Where we live with things that exist physically and virtually. Reality, you could say.
MO: So you think there’s a way to actually see this thing?
CA: Well for one thing - and probably most important - no one knows where it is. We began research before it was stolen. We have a few microscopic slides we were allowed to take with us, but it’s not the best way to build a product. Hard to get new technology off the ground when your ability to test it is limited.
MO: We had a guy on here talk about how even at the cellular level you can’t take pictures of it.
CA: Right, but is it enough to build a product around such minimal materials? The limitations raise a lot of questions.
MO: I bet it’s been some time since you’ve had a puzzle you couldn’t immediately solve (laughs).
CA: I must admit, the Vampire Fern has its teeth in me.
MO: Hear that folks? The world's richest man is stumped.
CA: I'm simply just beginning.
Follow the Legend of the Vampire Fern and follow me on Twitter @anthjgibson.
This Hidden Mystery is brought to the denizens of the Internet by hiddenones.xyz.
Installments released once a week.