The Moe Osbourne Podcast feat. Billionaire Charles Alvarez
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May 6th, 2022

Moe Osbourne: Hand me that.

Charles Alvarez: It’s the same thing really, better actually.

MO: I know (pouring sound into a cup), tunnels though? I don’t like things that hang over my head.

CA: Really?

MO: Yeah dude. Even when I walk under bridges I put a hand over my head.

CA: (Laughs) I don’t think that’s going to save you.

MO: Oh I know. And I try to get away with it too. I act like I’m scratching my head–

CA: Clever.

MO: –and just think the whole time how I really hope this fucking bridge doesn’t come crumbling down.

CA: I hope none of my bridges.

MO: Oh, well of course not. (laughs)

CA: (Laughs) I’m sorry. That must be tough.

MO: It’s okay, I’m a pussy, you can say it. I’m sure your shareholders would love to hear you say it.

CA: Pussy?

MO: Oh yeah, there you go. He said it.

CA: (Laughs) I do think though that tunnels are the solution.

MO: Right well it’s a fucking nightmare here. The traffic is monstrous.

CA: We project cutting commutes by 99%.

MO: This has started already?

CA: We’re about a mile underground, and growing.

MO: I bet if you keep digging you'll find this fern everyone is talking about. You hear about this thing?

CA: (Laughs) The Vampire Fern? Yes.

MO: Want more?

CA: Sure.

MO: Here (pouring sound into a cup). Yeah man, I’m a believer. Full on. A bunch of people now are saying this thing doesn’t exist. It’s all made up.

CA: Sure. Well, it’s an extraordinary concept.

MO: I’m all in. This thing is totally real.

CA: Scientifically speaking, it doesn’t add up.

MO: Well yeah, fuck science man (laughs), no offense.

CA: (Laughs) You know if it is real, it completely upends our concept of biology, also physics and pretty much everything.

MO: It’s some woowoo stuff man. It’d be like if all of a sudden no one could take a picture of you.

CA: Doesn’t sound that bad actually.

MO: (Laughs)

CA: Maybe it has to do with our cameras and technology more than anything else.

MO: Oh boy.

CA: What?

MO: Don't tell me you're working on something man.

CA: Possibly.

MO: You working on anything? You make companies in your sleep.

CA: Sleeping is incredibly inefficient.

MO: Fuck you man (laughs).

CA: (Laughs)

MO: Really, though – are you working on anything? This thing has to have that brain of yours firing on all cylinders.

CA: I’m not at liberty to discuss potential ventures.

MO: Shut the hell up.

CA: (Laughs)

MO: Okay, so let’s say that our tech just doesn't cut it. That maybe there's a way to actually see this thing in pictures. What does that mean?

CA: It means the Vampire Fern is exploiting a flaw in our cyberbiom. Well, in how we currently understand it.

MO: Cyberbiom?

CA: Where we live with things that exist physically and virtually. Reality, you could say.

MO: So you think there’s a way to actually see this thing?

CA: Well for one thing - and probably most important - no one knows where it is. We began research before it was stolen. We have a few microscopic slides we were allowed to take with us, but it’s not the best way to build a product. Hard to get new technology off the ground when your ability to test it is limited.

MO: We had a guy on here talk about how even at the cellular level you can’t take pictures of it.

CA: Right, but is it enough to build a product around such minimal materials? The limitations raise a lot of questions.

MO: I bet it’s been some time since you’ve had a puzzle you couldn’t immediately solve (laughs).

CA: I must admit, the Vampire Fern has its teeth in me.

MO: Hear that folks? The world's richest man is stumped.

CA: I'm simply just beginning.

***

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